And the ninja warrior kicks the stupid monsters ass and gets top score! No wait another blob monster is coming up and the ninja gets out his katana and slices it spewing its guts over the wall.
“Jet! Get off that game I’m trying to talk to you!”
Argh, one of the monsters has broken into this world and is now standing at my bedroom door!
“Jennifer Elizabeth Taylor!” No wait it’s just my mum in one of those scary masks, a baby pink dressing gown and curlers.
“What?” I said throwing down the controller onto the floor making it clatter against the laminate.
“I said your sister is getting married.”
“Is that it?” With that I picked back up my controller, surprised that this wasn’t been announced over the dinner table like other big news, which usually these days involved the topic where our food came from. This resulted certain favourite childhood foods such as pizza and Pop Tarts been taken off the menu for life. It would have been better if the wedding had been announced over the dinner table, I wouldn’t have just wasted five seconds of fighting monsters for that and had an excuse for spitting out broccoli by pretending to act shocked and amazed.
“You could at least act interested.” Great now she’s just leant against the doorframe that means I’m not getting rid of her for the next five minutes.
“Yeah I’ll be interested in five years when they get divorced and they fight over who gets what.” Yay I’ve just killed one more zombie
“Me and your father haven’t gotten divorced.”
“Mum no offence but you didn’t get married in this decade, you got married what 20 decades ago?” It wasn’t until after I said that I completely realised I had just said they got married 200 years ago. Her facemask wrinkled to show she had noticed, causing me to hold back a fit of laughter.
“How old do you think I am?” she shrieked, if that was a weapon in this game I would be able to get through the levels easily.
“Do you really want me to answer that? I’m 16, mum, I don’t know everything.”
Damn a zombie blob has just killed me; I didn’t even know you could get zombie blobs! Oh now I’m about to be killed by my mum in real life.
“Jennifer up until the day of the wedding you are grounded”
“Fine with me, it’s the holiday that means less chance of skin cancer and more chance of beating my high score.”
“If you want it that way.” the screen then went black, “You’re banned from every games console, including computer, in this house and if I catch you on any of the games consoles you will watch it burn on bonfire night!” I sat still on the floor staring into the now dead TV screen. People usually wait till they’re 60 until they get white in their hair I got born with white streaks in my hair why I have no idea, like I have no idea why I have one ice blue eye and one blood red, I can’t put it down to being albino I’m not that pale that I burn on first contact with sunlight (that is what albinos do right?) The more important issue in this situation is I have no idea who my sister is getting married to. I will bet my life savings of £1600 and a £20 gift voucher to Game that it’s some ponce she met at that boarding school mum and dad sent her too when she was thirteen. When it came to me I didn’t go as willingly. Thanks to state schools and the hockey team I got to stay.
“No fair! That is child cruelty” I screamed, “What am I supposed to do for the next six weeks?”
“Help with your sister’s wedding,” she answered like it was obvious. I got up off the floor to go through my rules. If I was been made to do this I was going to make it as difficult as possible.
“Right, I don’t do frills, flower arranging, invite writing or anything like that. I will though be food and alcohol tester.” I followed her down the small hall; well I wouldn’t expect a long hall in a tiny three-bedroom house. Umm maybe my future brother in-law might have some big bucks to by me my own flat with new first hand consoles and giant TV.
“No, alcohol. You will be wearing whatever dress we pick out for you and if it includes frills it will include frills.” This guy my twenty-one year old sister is getting married to better get me a house after this!
“Dad! All the females in this house have a plot to kill me again!” I cried heading for the garage through the compact kitchen where you will usually find him doing his hobby, hiding under the engine of a vintage sports car. I didn’t have a car to hide under; hell I didn’t even have a game to hide under more!
“Jet, they don’t want to kill you they just want to make sure you look presentable for Steph’s wedding.”
“I usually look presentable!” he pulled himself out from under the jacked car and glanced at me. For me wearing a baggy t-shirt and grass stained jeans was presentable for a sixteen year old to wear about the house at least I wore clothes. Plus why look presentable when I’m fighting zombies all day?
I had no option but to lounge about on the crummy beige coloured sofa flicking though TV.
We had subscribed to over 1000 channels and it still amazes me that I always end up watching the same thing or something on the toddler channel. Today I’m stuck with Dora the Explorer and her Spanish. Dora was just about to teach us how to say ‘stop’ and ‘go’ when the high chimed voice of my sister entered the front door. Basically two people caused the house to be turned into a squeal fest like Selfridges’s on sale day.
Stephanie was more like my mum than me they both had beautiful blonde curls and deep blue eyes and a god formed body, where as, I was just lucky enough to get boobs half the size of their D cups. I had my dad’s stubborn hair only he didn’t show signs of it whitening yet, however, his hair did show that if I got my hair cut shorter than waist length it still would be uncontrollable.
“How’s my baby sister?” Stephanie cooed before engulfing me in her arms.
“I will be better if you let me breathe!” I struggled putting as much force as I could to push her arms off of me to stop her crushing my rib cage or at least puncturing a lung. I would need both lungs working perfectly when the wedding is over so I could get back to hockey and knocking everyone’s knees in again.
“Oh sorry, you know I was expecting you to start Onyx academy 3 years ago.” She said sounding upset
“I had hockey commitments.” I answered, bored with both Dora and Stephanie. The only difference was Dora was less likely to go all soppy and speak advanced English that four year olds couldn’t understand.
More screaming came again when my mum entered the room after being in the kitchen and Blues Clues came on. They weren’t screeching for the blue dog. I wish they did though the Blues Clues series practically lasted as long as marriage, it is less of a hassle and can be more interesting.
“Did you hear that Jet. You’re going to be the maid of honour!” our mum cheered like it was the best news she had heard in a while.
“I’m so honoured.” I sighed sarcastically more concerned in the talking bucket and spade.
“I knew you’d be!” Stephanie smiled showing all of her perfect pearly whites, whereas my face read please do not give me another hug! Does any woman get sarcasm or does the no sense of sarcasm come with the D cup boobs, great teeth and celebrity like blonde curly hair?
“I’ve already seen the ideal dress for you. It’s this pretty light golden dress ruffles and flowers decorating it and there’s even a bow at the back!” Oh the horror! I’m going to look like a Disney princess chav! I didn’t tell them that thought in the fear that the grounded sentence may become a death sentence or Stephanie turns out to have multiple personality disorder and have an evil alter ego.
It was announced that the wedding was thirty days away, that means twenty-nine days of shopping, stopping indoors, shopping and valuing my life by stopping off the games consoles and have I mentioned shopping?
23 days before the wedding-
2 hours wasted on picking confetti, yes freaking 2 hours!
5 hours wasted on going through wedding dresses
30 minutes of me protesting I wasn’t going to try on dresses
3 hours wasted of me trying on dresses
5 minutes to let me eat the two chocolate éclairs that were used to bribe me to try on the millions of dresses. Damn you chocolaty things!
A whole day of being grounded and away from my games
20 days before the wedding
5 hours texting friends asking them to save me
8 hours being dragged around a shopping mall
3 hours that wasn’t spent texting my friends but planning my own funeral
A whole day of being grounded and away from my games and not hanging out with my friends
14 days before the Wedding
6 hours trying on wedding dresses, finally they found the right dress!
3 hours looking at wedding cakes and decorations
4 hours looking at honeymoon destinations and deals and Steph on the phone to her lover boy, who I have yet to even know the name of!
2 hours of my friends actually coming over before they got kicked out
14 days till I’m ungrounded
8 days before the wedding
7 hours 30 minutes of mum looking at outfits and dad complaining because he was getting made to try suits on
5 days before the wedding,
4 hours at looking at accessories
2 hours of me being in a dress, the most horrible one of them was bought resulting in me planning ‘accidents’ that could involve the dress for the rest of the day
Day 4 to the day before the wedding
Sheer and utter panic, a hen party and me secretly
Googling the most effective way to hang myself.