It’s no secret. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar and Borderline Personalty disorder.
I found though that the Borderline has probably robbed me more of my life than the bipolar.
Treatment plans have changed, because of the Borderline they can’t/won’t treat the bipolar.
I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts while going through this as I’m going through another rough patch due to coming down off of medication also it’s coming up to the 4th anniversary of when I tried to take an overdose and ended up in psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks. September is usually a bumpy month.
How did I get here?
To this place where everything seems so raw and out of control?
Each passing word, glance even smile has to have some underlying negative meaning.
I didn’t choose to be like this.
I wonder when did this all start?
It didn’t happen overnight.
Slowly it crept into me like some sort of virus.
Only this virus I’ll never get over.
“You’ll learn to cope.” They say.
They don’t have to live with this.
They don’t have to live with the constant threat of each emotion turning into fire.
It burns through taking no prisoner till I’m left shouting, “No more. I can’t take this.”
Everyone I meet at some point becomes my enemy as I cannot trust them.
“They’ll leave in the end,” The voices say.
I want to scream and reply, “No they won’t.”
But at that point the damage has been done.
I’ve distanced myself away from everyone.
The fear of abandonment isn’t actually a fear if you have no one.
This black and white thinking they keep talking about?
I fight to see the world in colour.
The blue sky, the green grass, the autumn colour on trees.
Then the darkness settles in.
I can’t control it.
The colour soon starts to fade.
My energy starts to decay.
The butterfly of hope flies away offering no support, soon getting caught in a spiders web.
“You’ll get through this, you always do.”
What’s the use of those empty words for an empty girl?
How did I get here?
I used to have plans.
I used to be in control.
I used to think I had a future.