Forevermore (Preview)

This is a project I have been working on for NaNoWriMo (2018), not entirely sure where I’m going with it but I have completed the first 50,000 words. Current title for this story is Forevermore, however it may change as the story develops. Feedback appreciated.


Dreams. I have dreams that break reality. As a child I believed in fairies. It wasn’t a normal childhood fantasy, they haunted me to the point my parents figured I needed help, nothing worked. As an adult, it’s hard to say you don’t believe in something, when there’s a constant vision of them every day. The fairies aren’t the tiny things people are led to believe, instead they looked like humans with the exception of the unique brilliant design of wings on their backs. Everyone would turn saying, “Blair’s a strange girl.” Only my grandmother would believe me after she found me out in the woodlands when I was a child. I had been following the little lights that were dancing around me. From that day I was forbidden from going in the woods and I hardly ever saw granny again.

It’s because of Granny Malina I was now heading back to my home village in the North of Scotland. My parents, god rest their souls, decided after a heated argument when I was 7, I shouldn’t really see her. She is my fathers’ mother but from what I recall of her, unlike my dad, she has a strong belief of otherworldly things. Pretty sure, if there was a way to become a fairy, Malina would take it in a heartbeat. Her little cottage was always decorated like a fairy princess palace. It’s been 18 years since that whole turn of events. On my 25thbirthday a few weeks ago, like the place was calling me back again, it was discovered granny had terminal cancer.

Happy Birthday, Blair and by the way the only person who did not think you are crazy or have some sort of mental illness is dying. The whole family although small figured it would be better if we could all come together and give her a family orientated final few weeks, heaven knows with how disjointed the family is she needed it.

“For Heavens sake learn how to bloody drive!” I screamed at the guy who had just cut me off on the motorway. My aunt Mysie, who had been looking after me for the past 12 years in the North of England, she nearly had a heart attack when she discovered I wanted to learn how to drive. Probably a good reason, with my red hair the stereotypical anger had to come out somewhere. Turns out I’m a bitch for road rage. My personality might have been one reason. The other reason was I believe she still thought there might be a trigger for overwhelming trauma there.

I mirrored the sign the guy in front of my had just given me as I overtook him again. Ah the human race despite the fact it is throwing it down with rain we still stop to roll down windows and give rude hand gestures.

“It was your fault moron!” I grumbled slapping the steering wheel, I should just be thankful I didn’t crash, my insurance was already at a maximum I could afford after accidentally knocking over my ex-best friend’s scooter when I found out she had been sleeping with the now ex-boyfriend… Like I said road rage, that and they both deserved it.

I’m seeing this get away as a holiday. Maybe a mind opener and something will hit me. Though I have a feeling I need to close my mind. Six psychiatrists later and the fairies still haunt me. In childhood it was put down to an over active imagination and I’ll grow out of it. As soon as I hit sixteen that’s when they started throwing about diagnosis’s like psychosis and schizophrenia. Deep down inside of me I know I’m mentally ok, although according to a few psychiatrists me thinking I don’t have a problem is a sign I have a problem, I tested out a theory with one of them by suggesting that I did have a mental health issue and I was discharged. Turns out, insanity can be classed as sanity these days.  All of them recently agreed though I need to talk about what happened at my parent’s death. That like the police report was a case closed matter. And that’s how I’ll remain on it. I am not expecting this holiday to suddenly hit me with some life altering information. Then I’ll get home and write a best seller and me and J.K Rowling will be laughing it up over Cosmo’s or whatever those British people drink, though in my world give me a pint any day.

The last time I had breached my home village boundary was for the funeral of my parents. Not that there was much left of the bodies… the explosion took care of that. This time it looks like I’ll be leaving after another funeral. I did hope there would be some miracle cure, but I had enough therapy running through me that I knew the reality of things.

Instead of taking one journey I had decided, it would be better for mine and everyone’s lives if I had a stop over in Edinburgh. That way I wouldn’t be too tired from driving and I’d have a day to acclimatise to the Scottish environment again. Also, my family would have chance to get together, gossip and figure out how they were going to keep me from my grandmother and how to keep me hidden the rest of my life. I remember going to Edinburgh as a child before getting moved to England to live with my mother’s sister. Driving through it now, the buildings seem less daunting and scary and the crowds less anxiety provoking. On the other hand, everything in this world as a child was terrifying to me.

From Newcastle to Inverness it, according to Google Maps anyway, it would take five hours to get there. I figured although I am desperate to see Malina again I needed time to sort myself out. And I doubted I could sit in my car for five hours without ending up submitting to the temptations of blaring out Chris Rea’s “Road to Hell,” If it appeared on my playlist.  I pulled into the village near Queensferry. I chose the place I was stopping at, at random and due to the fact, it was close to the bridge I needed to cross in the morning. I shivered at the forest I had passed to get here, damning myself for not doing my research properly. It was bad enough I was going back to a place with a large wood on its doorstep but stopping my first night in a place I didn’t know which also involved a large mass of trees this was asking for trouble.

Dragging my bag out of the car I got the feeling it was a typical village. Everyone knew each other and from the glances the place I was staying at was one of those inns that was there to more say they had one rather than for tourists. The musky smelling reception even had one of those bells, which I took pleasure in ringing profusely, on the ancient wooden desk.

“Can I help?” A bored voice sounded before an old lady appeared from a back room.

“I booked a room?” I had to question it considering I reserved it online and this place looked as if it hadn’t even seen dial up never mind WiFi. She smiled before shocking me and pulling out a Microsoft Surface tablet. Is it wrong to now expect my room to have a jacuzzi bath and a 40-inch TV with Netflix?

“What’s your name lassie?”

I sighed before giving my name, the familiarity of the Scottish accent made me feel warm inside, finally I felt home for the first time in ages.

“Room 4. It’s just up the stairs.”

No surprise, the room didn’t have a 40-inch tv. I think I am just thankful for the basic bath and TV though. I am just praying this place has hot water. I needed a soak. I didn’t exactly leave Mysie on good terms. She was adamant I wasn’t leaving. To which my reply was something along the lines of, I’m 25 and I can take care of myself. Thinking back at it probably not the right thing to say as that now leaves me wondering if I have a home to go back too. She’ll forgive me. Mysie had a memory of a goldfish, in my teenage years I constantly got away with sneaking out and not doing homework. She’d give me a warning and then give the same telling off the next time I did it.

Checking my phone, I noticed Mysie had tried calling fifteen times, the joys of putting my mobile on silent. Switching the volume back on but before I could even reach the zipper on my bag Pink’s Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely) sounded. I forgot I put that as Mysie’s ring tone before I left, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the relevance now. Nonetheless, I answered it figuring one funeral this year was enough. Sympathy went to Mysie, looking after any teenager or young adult never mind me was enough but she also had anxiety issues, close to being on edge of a panic attack most of the time. I think her memory issues has something to do with the amount of times she disassociates.

“I’m still alive Mysie and no need to call the police on missing person just yet.” Real story, I’ve actually been a missing person five times since moving in with her, each time I’ve shown up with in ten hours of reporting.

“Where are you?” The shrill Newcastle voice came down on me.


“You’re visiting your grandmother.” She said not asked.

“No. I’m going to look for Nessie.” I replied sarcastically.

“Blair.” Mysie warned.

“I’ll keep you updated, but I have to do this.” I argued, I heard her huff on the other end, she knew especially with me being this far on the journey she couldn’t argue.

“I know you do. Just whatever happens remember I’m here for you.”

“I know you are.”

“Just keep in contact Blair and stay well.”

Falling back on the bed I found out the mattress isn’t going to be brilliant to sleep on. Talking with Mysie, I now felt guilty for leaving but I had to remember granny. She needed me now, even if she hadn’t seen me in about a decade.

After a day in Edinburgh, mostly shopping, I was in dire need of that bath and then bed. Despite the water didn’t get hotter than lukewarm and the bed was definition of uncomfortable, I felt beat. A brass band could march through and either they wouldn’t wake me up or I’d wake up screaming at them where they could shove each of their instruments and even how they could do it.

“Blair.” The female voice sang softly, it was familiar but still left me confused on if I was dreaming or this was real. I remember falling to sleep… I stood in a forest, surrounded by trees and darkness, I didn’t have chance to process my situation as a light suddenly appeared in the distance.

“Blair.” The musical voice came from the luminous presence.

“Hello?” I walked closer.

“Hello.” A curly red-haired woman smiled. She sat on the floor in a floaty green dress, with turquoise wings, patterned almost like a butterfly’s sticking out of her back. I tried to hide the horror. She was the woman who visited me in my dreams in childhood. However, back then I wouldn’t have recognised the similarities. Now I was older, it hit me. The woman looked like me. Only I didn’t have glitter strands running through my hair or obviously have wings.

“Who are you?” I shook, trying to remember what I called her as a child. I never asked her for her name. She was a fairy that’s all my childhood mind could process at the time. Stranger danger doesn’t apply to fairies or Santa.

“I was called Breena.”

“Was?” Oh god, don’t tell me I now see ghosts.

“It’s a long story. You’ll get to know some day.” Breena said still smirking.

“What do you mean?”

“Your grandmother is dying.” She stated, it wasn’t a question.

“How did you know?”

“Things are going to change for you, Blair.”

“You’re not answering any of my questions!” My temper was really getting the best of me, this Breena may look like me but obviously either knew too well or didn’t know at all how to really piss me off.

“I know everything you know. We are linked but only temporarily. There will come a time where I will disappear, and you will know everything I know.”

“But you’re not real.” I’m not sure if that’s me talking or the hundreds of therapists. Breena laughed before replying.

“As I said. Things are going to change.”

Wet. Something was licking my face. What? I doubted the old lady of the inn could handle a dog. And if she had cats I would know. I’d have been sneezing and in hives as soon as I walked through that door. I opened my eyes to find a dog hovering over me. Not just that but I was outside. In a forest.

“Not again.” I groaned, sitting up shoving my hair out of my face. Reason I hate places with forests. This happens. I’d go to sleep at night and wake up in the sunrise hours in some sort of woods.

“Toby what ye found!” A male voice shouted at the slobbering Labrador. “Aren’t ye cold lassie?” An old man appeared dressed in thick layers, I looked down realising I was only in pyjamas. Cursing in my head? Yes, I was.

“I’m fine. Best be getting back.” I tried to put on a Newcastle accent and laugh about it. Hopefully, he’ll come to the conclusion I’m some air-headed tourist on a hen-do or something what’s gone wrong.

“Are ye sure you’re ok?” He said as him and Toby followed me.

“I’m fine. It’s just a prank gone wrong.” Now thinking of it, the old lady at the inn might get some gossip out of this one. My muddy feet trudged back, I had gone deep into the forest, in the end Eric the owner of Toby walked me to the edge. Thankfully he promised not to say a word. I’m pretty sure though he’ll be back to tell his wife, Shona, everything and she’ll be on the next bus into town to tell all of her hair friends, turns out every Friday she has her hair done. Eric talked a lot on this walk. I think I would have preferred the company of the loopy Toby who ran into every mud puddle he could find, at least my head wouldn’t have been pounding as much and I’d have space to think.

Sneaking in through the front door was an epic fail. I could get away with it with Mysie and my parents but when the old lady was sat by the desk which was by the door, it’s sort of hard to get by. She looked up and down at my mud splattered nightwear and her mouth opened in shock. I didn’t justify it with any lie or excuse. Walking by, smiling at her like nothing had happened. She can make up her own story. Once I get cleaned up and changed, I’ll be leaving anyway.

Paying the lady of the inn I left, leaving a larger tip than I wanted, knowing she had to clean up the muddy footprints. I prayed and made a mental note that I was never returning to that village again. They’d have to kill me and drag my body back there, even then I’ll be dead but screaming I don’t wanna go because trust me I am not going to give up that easily.

Back in my car I was safe, I was awake, and I could finally get to thinking. It had been years since I had seen Breena. Before she used to tell me stories of her world, she was apparently a princess and her husband was a knight. As a child it was believable, but now? Fairy princesses don’t exist. If she was human, I’d have taken her words as a warning however, this figure had practically haunted my childhood is possibly the reason numerous times I have woken up in woodlands and the reason my sanity has been continuously questioned. I’m sorry but nope not believing in it. It was a dream and I am just sleepwalking again due to stress of my granny dying.

It is raining again as I hit the twenty-mile mark to Inverness. Something I’d need to get used to over the next few weeks. Though there was the slight problem that I didn’t exactly know where I’d be stopping over the next few weeks or however long I needed to stay. I mean I wanted to stay as long as granny lived but there was no way I could afford a hotel or paying for somewhere to stay. I hoped I could stay on the sofa in my grandmother’s house although it would be something that my family would criticise, financial help hadn’t really come from that side. I’d battled my way through life getting a part time job as soon as I hit sixteen. Mysie battled with enough demons to be taking care of me and listening to me wondering where my next outfit was coming from.

The roads were empty, sort of surprising. On the road as a child, my dad would constantly joke about how people queued up to see Loch Ness and the beauty of Inverness. I say joke… to be honest maybe he wasn’t joking. The place is beautiful. The constant scenery of Loch’s and greenery. If you get past the grey skies and fog, I was now facing. It wasn’t long before I hit the sign of my home village. Nerves started to heighten, the village was surrounded by forestry. One of the reasons I was glad to move away from here was because of that fact. It was harder to find me in a larger forest I spent a huge amount of my childhood being lost in it. I was back here for a reason. In the beginning I didn’t want to leave, the call back here seemed to become quieter as years went on.


Writing Project- Goddess of Change- Chapter 10

Chapter 10




I lay on the comforting rouge carpet on my side, still feeling tired. Exhaling, I tossed over onto my back. The ceiling seemed too high for this room; I almost expected something to sweep down from the black surface. I closed my eyes to block it out, unable to ignore the creepy feeling. It is like Hades has designed this room to give an uncomfortable impression whenever I’m left alone in here.

I suspected he’s near, although I’m early from our normal meeting time. I still didn’t move, if he could see me, he might think I’m asleep and leave.

Instead of going, Hades moved closer.

The jolt of being lifted made me open my eyes to find I’m being cradled. Hades shifted the top of my dress down slightly to look fully at the new mark. He seemed to show some interest to it.

Looking at the mark, the circle was now a silver colour and inside it is a black tree covered in bronze and red leaves. My mind wondered to other things that didn’t involve decoding semiotics. It felt awkward enough with a guy knowingly staring at my chest and a tattoo I couldn’t really explain.

“What does yours look like?” I thought out loud. I peeked up at him and his soft smile. He moved his arms, and continued to remove his t-shirt.

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Writing Project- Goddess of Change- Chapter 8

I dropped into my nightmare. However, this time it’s different.

There is no screaming.

The red room I had been imprisoned in, now held a table of food. I had to laugh at the pomegranates; weirdly I understood why my mother never let me try the fruit. I kept my distance keeping curled up at the furthest wall. Tucking the bottom of the long chiffon white dress, I’d become familiar with over the years, under my feet. Wishing it had sleeves I could also hide in. The only thing I hadn’t become used to is the necklace.

At least I knew who sent the special delivery letter. Closely looking at the opal diamond. I recognised it as the same tear shaped one, only it has a pink sheen.

A hint of disappointment hit me, I found it prettier when it was its original plain colour.

The dream is more defined. I could feel the red isn’t paint. The walls had been covered in soft red material.

I wanted to have a dream that took me away from what had recently happened.

“You could stay here and leave all that happened.”

I couldn’t help my reaction. Instead of freaking out at the whisper close to my ear, I relaxed. Hades is practically leaning over me and I relaxed? I felt a strange pull he had on me while tried to drag me closer, like the little space between us shouldn’t be there.

A small part of me argued the space between us should be bigger. When I thought, he was some human under some Greek mythology delusion, I thought I was attracted to him because of curiosity.

Now, I found out this is real, I have no idea.

I tempted a peek at him, he dressed all in black but his slender built up figure still is obvious even with clothes. I examined his face, they really weren’t kidding about Gods looking like they were sculpted out of marble. His eyes stood out against his pale skin, like his hair they looked black but had a red tint in the light. They reminded me of the opal around my neck in the light they shined their colours.

Still staring at him he began to slide my nearest sleeve down exposing my shoulder tracing my collarbone, his face keeping close to my ear.

He isn’t some guy under some delusion; I have been the one who has been deluded.

“Looks like you didn’t need my persuasion after all.” He assumed; I wonder what his original plan was to make me believe in him?

“I need to wake up.” I muffled suddenly finally getting out of the trance.

“What if you are already awake?” He spoke more clearly, in a defined accent, still close my ear. It took me till then to figure out he is inhaling my scent.

“I can’t be. I only come here when I’m asleep.”

“How about something to eat?” He said finally moving his head.

“You think I’m going to fall for that?” Turning to fully face him.

“No, of course. You’re too smart for that. However,” He commenced. Hades grabbed the pomegranate and knife from the floor on his other side. I want to desperately to move away but the invisible hold is still there.

Hades gradually sliced the pomegranate in half, revealing to me for the first time what one looks like inside. “It’s actually even better, that Thanatos is your father.” He informed picking out the pomegranate seeds.

“There is a rule. I control the dead. That control covers those with Shinigami blood, who haven’t learned to control their powers yet. Normally due to growing up, their powers are the most out of control between the ages of fourteen and eighteen, sometimes nineteen, depending on the amount of stress. They need the most control. So, let’s say a Halfling blowing out electronics in an emotional fit.” He clarified.

I realised what he is implying, making me finally get out of my relaxed state.

“That’s when I could step in.” Hades concluded.

“That’s when you could control me more.” I feared.

“Yes. Your mother should have really listened to your dad when he tried to contact you when you were fourteen. Also, your mum could have really done with telling you everything before the deadline. That much to process isn’t too good on stress levels.” Hades sighed inspecting the half of the pomegranate he hadn’t taken to pieces. He then decided to show off my throwing a pomegranate seed in the air and catching it in his mouth.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths; trying to calm my heart rate and trying any thought process that would make me wake up.

“So, Alexa, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.” He whispered, the contact of his shirt-covered body touching my arm made my heart rate drop. He held a hand full of the pomegranate seeds in front of me. I didn’t count all of them but I could tell there is more than six. For the first time, I managed to shuffle away only I backed myself into a corner. He sighed moving in closer.

“I’m not going to eat them.” I responded through clenched teeth.

“Eat.” He commanded moving in front of me. My hands shook wanting to reach for the seeds. I shook my head making my hair fall over my face, which he quickly moved. What if I had one? No I can’t.


“Final answer?”

“What’s the point in asking that? You’ll keep asking.”

“Because, you tricked me once.” He muttered in my ear, leaning over me, his face not even an inch away from mine. His mint scent engulfed me, drowning my other senses for a moment. “I’m not willing to let you get away again.”

“What-?” My line is cut off.

Hades’ warm mouth was on mine. As much as I tried to break away, his hand behind my neck held me there, I felt like melting. Then as I gasped from his other hand moving and putting pressure on my side, found out why he is really doing this.

I felt his tongue force some pomegranate seeds into my mouth. I panicked. Knowing that he forced me back onto the wall, his mouth still not moving away from mine.

Each of his touches felt gave a relieving sensation like discovering something cold after craving it a hot day. On the other hand, I couldn’t let myself get caught in the moment, as I knew what he’s trying to do. Biting his tongue is an option; I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My hands moved to push him away but the power he held over me in this moment is physical as well as emotional and mental.

I’m defenceless. Hades is God of the Underworld, one of the more powerful Gods. Maybe it is normal for any fight to go running away.

I moved the seeds to the side of my mouth. Underneath my tongue would have been useless, like for gum, it would have been easy to check.

Once, he seemed satisfied, he pulled away. He played with the ends of my hair for a second. Still believing he had got me. Giving him a smirk I turned my head to get the seeds out of my mouth.

I yelped in pain, with a hand full of my hair abruptly pulled my head got back. I looked up, wide-eyed, at Hades who looked far from happy.

“It doesn’t matter you know. Every night, until you are here properly, you will come to this room. I’ll be waiting.” He threatened his face inches from mine. “And there are more seeds in the pomegranate.” Hades breathed, I sharply inhaled not from his threat. The taste of his breath made me need his lips on mine again.


Writing Project- Goddess of Change- Chapter 7

Chapter 7



After the nauseating, speed breaking journey, I found out another thing that Sophia is going to kill me for. At least there is going to be one reason I would know why she is angry. Yuuki left to keep up the story that we hadn’t gone out.

No one is here to defend me.

“I’ve lost my keys.” I squeaked showing the hole in my summer coat pocket. I swear Sophia thought of multiple ways to kill me in that second.

“You! -” She screamed not able to end the sentence. She stood waving her arms and biting her lip that signalled I needed to get out of the way.

“Climb over the fence and quickly get in through the kitchen doors, then let me in.” She sneered. The private back garden, my mum had put a spare door key to the French doors in one of the hanging baskets. I don’t think she ever imagined it would be needed for a situation like this.

Without question, I hoisted myself over the wooden fence working on falling onto the floor with zero injury. I managed to finish my mission then let Sophia in so she could continue her secret, but noticeably obvious, mission.

“I need to call my aunt.” Sophia said barging in through the door as I opened it.

“What is wrong?” I screamed walking into the living room before deciding to pick up the pretzels and jump on the sofa. I’m starting to think whatever it is. They are over thinking it.

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Writing Project- Goddess of Change- Chapter 6

Chapter 6






Yuuki appeared at the door moments later, in half the time it should have taken her driving that car across town.

“Ok, before we go out,” Sophia stated. I thought for a second, I’m about to get a lecture. “Yuuki, take the rollers out of your hair.”

“Fine, for the record though, I was going to take them out as we got there.”

“That would mean you’re taking them out while driving.” I answered finding myself outside after standing in the door way for a few minutes.

“What can I say? I’m defining what they actually mean by multitasking.” Yuuki said flinching as Sophia took it upon herself to sort Yuuki’s hair out.

“Yeah and highlighting another high car crash scenario.” I mumbled climbing into the back of the car. I had to avoid empty sweet packet mountain and the statue of the Chinese waving cat, which is actually seat belted, in the driver’s side passenger seat.

“Yuuki, next time, take the chicken feathers out before you put the rollers in!” Sophia scolded.

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Writing Project- Goddess of Change- Chapter 5

Chapter 5




“What’s wrong honey?” My mum called as I slammed the door shut and leant against it. Of course, the annoying trait of, ‘Act like nothing happened,’ Appears, the argument yesterday can’t be brought back up.

“Nothing.” I squeaked, wondering how I’m going to explain the missing bag and grazed hands.

I’m not fit enough to run all the way back home. I had to slow to a walk a few… Like eight… Minutes back and got my breath back and heart rate down. Scarcely, after my nerves had calmed, the doorbell rang

Was it that man?

Or worse that dog?

Ok, I’m over thinking it, how can a dog ring the doorbell?

I peeked out of the eyehole in the door, something I never do. No one is there.

Cautiously I cracked open the door, on the doorstep unexpectedly stood my satchel.

“Who is it?” My mum asked walking into the hall, just as I snatched up my bag.

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Painting Project + Update


Dreamer.png Cage on the Ground (2017)

Inspired by the Flyleaf Song Cage on the Ground. The song really speaks to me, as to me personally it talks about the cage we all are stuck in but we do have a chance to escape it and break out of this control society has on us









As I have mentioned in my artwork and explanations, I have various mental health conditions. I’m actually happy to announce my story on Bipolar and one of my artworks has been published on The Guardian Website 🙂


Fanart- Ellen Schreiber’s Vampire Kisses Valentine fan art competition

V.K Valentines FanArt.jpg

Around February Author Ellen Schreiber announced a fan art competition for her manga/book series Vampire Kisses as a major fan of the books I decided to have a go… I was one of the 2 winners and won a signed book and book mark 🙂