Fight (2018) Mental health digital art project.
I was asked to create a piece centred around the battle against anxiety and depression. It’s something I have personal experience with and I decided to put my own story into it.
Fight (2018) Mental health digital art project.
I was asked to create a piece centred around the battle against anxiety and depression. It’s something I have personal experience with and I decided to put my own story into it.
I could easily get out of here, nip to school, pick a few things up and head back. Drinking the rest of my tea, I saw this as more of a test. If I could make it out the front door and the garden, then it couldn’t be that much of a problem. My mum had disappeared again; I ran across the hall heading to the front door.
When I got out of the gate, I figured it’s safe enough to walk. Gradually, paranoia swamped me, whilst my journey continued. Normally taking the back route to the school is left for emergencies, it’s a path in between two rows of semi-detached houses. No one would ever think I was going this way. That’s what I thought anyway.
I jumped out of my skin when I heard my name being sung out, there was no one around, but it gave me enough proof that someone knew I am here. Freaking out, I scrambled over the nearest fence before thinking of it.
I landed in the garden that had the sprinklers on. My attention got brought off the detail, I am getting soaked and onto the fact the owner of the house, is standing, staring at me looking unimpressed.
“Hi, Iris.” I muttered, unsure if I should be approaching her or climbing back over the fence. The seriousness of her face made something make sense in my head.
I wanted to groan out loud but I managed to hold it back. Iris, Goddess of… I looked around at the water shining off the sun… Rainbows.
“Who do you want me to call?” She probed. I knew the actual question is who do you want me to contact to collect you? Hades or your mother?
“Can you just forget this?”
“Get in my house. I’ll call someone.” She instructed. She is in charge of rainbows but she doesn’t suggest the sunshine, lollipop song with that attitude.
I have never been in her house; I only knew Iris through my mum. Iris’ hallway, which is where I stopped, is predominantly blue. I began to wonder if other rooms of the house were strictly block rainbow colours. Iris left into a different room, to get the phone.
Taking that to my advantage, I darted out of the front door.
I ran to the one place I figured I knew better than anyone. Once I got far into the maze of trees I leant back against a trunk, gripping my hair at its roots. I got distracted moments later. A few brown leaves dropped on me. It’s mid-summer the leaves shouldn’t be dropping.
Hearing my mum’s voice, I freaked. I could have continued to run on ground but I would get out of breath and be easier to get. I went with my strengths; I climbed the tree I had been against.
Someone decided, sometime in my childhood, to try and build a platform far off the ground. Either my subconscious predicted I’m going to do this and decided to make me run out of breath near this tree, or for once I’m lucky.
Once I got to stand on the platform, Iris, my mother and Hades were below me. It looks as if Iris called both, or one of them overheard I am on the run.
“Are you sure she went this way?” My mum asked Iris.
“She headed in the direction of the woods. I’m only guessing she could be here.” Iris informed.
Hades said nothing; he stood propped against the base of tree I’m standing on.
“Shouldn’t you be helping?” Mum demanded pointing at Hades.
“I could. But I’m enjoying this too much.” I could imagine the smile on his face. “Besides you wouldn’t like the deal I’d purpose.” He continued, this made mum storm off followed closely by Iris. Hades stayed by the tree, till my mum was out of eyesight, he then stepped forward.
“Are you going to stay up there all day?” Hades called. Out of shock and hoping he’d think he’s wrong, I stayed quiet. How could he know? I made sure I didn’t make any sound or sign of the possibility that I would be around here.
“Persephone.” He said, like he knew what I am hoping that I wanted him to think he is wrong.
“You can’t make me come down.” I shouted back.
“Sure. Honestly, you’re going to have to come down from there soon.” Tiredness and hunger, were all things he is probably hoping would bring me down. I had to find another way down from here. I slumped against the trunk of the tree, trying not to admit defeat.
“How did you know I’m up here?” I questioned softly. Come to think of it, this is about the second time he’s known something when I hadn’t given any sign. The first time, when we met in the red room, he knew I my thoughts were flustered and I wanted to be taken away from all this.
“Shinigami blood, remember. If you’re close enough, I’ll find you.”
“What about this whole thing, what makes it look like you are reading my mind?”
He gave out a short snicker, “I don’t find you that hard to read. When it looks like you’re over thinking things it is actually quite amusing.” Yuuki and Sophia had pointed that out to me before, to the point at exams they tried smuggling popcorn in.
“I can’t find her!” Demeter exclaimed nervously, marching back. Hades had a similar reaction to mine, only I had to hold back my laugh. I still listened into the conversation while looking for a place to go. Besides dropping fourteen feet down there isn’t anywhere to go. Going up isn’t really an option, I am afraid if I fell the height it might hurt more. My only other option, jumping onto another branch across from me seemed like the best option.
“What are you so amused about?” Mum demanded. I am calculating how far I would have to run and jump across this branch to get onto the next tree.
Something must have hinted to her to look up.
“Alexa!” She screamed. I am amazed that didn’t make me fall off. “Get down this instant!”
“I’m not coming down!” I yelled back, not sure if I should be going through my demands on what it will take to get me down.
Not that anyone would agree to my demands.
“Alexa, this is childish!”
“Yes mother, this is. But considering you seem to want to keep me at home for the rest of my life, you must want a child!”
I ran at that point, unnerving only when I leaped. My hands slipped on the rough wood, the bandage catching in the crevices probably saving me more, surprisingly the hand injury doesn’t hurt. Finally, I succeeded getting grip on the branch above and pulling my weight onto it. My mother’s anxiety showed at that point. I hadn’t made it to the branch I wanted but at least I’m still on a tree and not on the ground.
“We have to get her down.” Iris muttered, as I made it onto sitting on a tree arm. “Hades can’t you-.” Iris began to ask.
“What? And stop my fun? I haven’t seen Demeter squirm this much since 1816, when there wasn’t a summer.” He chuckled.
“Alexa! Please come down!’ My mum pleaded. I sighed, leaning back. If I came down now, that would be giving into them.
“Let’s leave her for a while.” Hades said. I peeked out to look below me. The women in the group were looking up at me with questioning looks, like they were expecting me to do something stupid. Hades isn’t making eye contact with me at all. Instead I got the sense, as he is staring at Iris and my mother, he is waiting for them to leave.
“Alexa. You’d better be home soon!” My mum shouted, I’ll give her credit, she had found her brave face, making it sound like we were on the phone and she is requesting me back from a trip to the shops.
I wanted to sigh in relief that they were finally giving up. Even Hades stunned me by walking away. Once the area underneath my branch became clear, I began to get suspicious that someone, who had left, would jump out once I got down. I knew I couldn’t stay up here for long. The width of the branch meant one wrong move and I would slip and fall off. On a snap decision, I began to climb down after waiting a while making sure no one is out there.
Every few steps, I kept looking back. That is my mistake, not looking where I am going. I ended up running into something, something turned out to be someone. I looked up to find, I had run into the side of Herk.
I can’t exactly ask what he is doing here. I am on the edge of the forest running into someone, who appeared to have been casually jogging on the pavement; I appeared to be the odd one.
“S-Sorry.” I stuttered. I guess he is unlucky. A moment later and I would have missed him.
He laughed lightly, before holding out a hand to drag me out of the shrubbery, “It’s ok.” He then proceeded to pick, what I could guess as nature life out of my hair.
“What were you running from?” He then asked as we began to walk forward down the path.
“My imagination,” I sighed stepping to the side to create a gap. The uncomfortable proximity feeling is appearing, angry that I had let him help me up.
“Having trouble adapting?” He asked. I paused to stare at him then groaned while rolling my eyes.
“Is everyone in this flaming town in this, apart from me?” I screamed, gaining the attention of an elderly couple gardening over the road. A strained look crossed Herk’s face.
“Well, not everyone. A few select people. It’s a small town, I can say about a quarter of the population of this town might have a connection to us.”
“Do me a favour. You’re strong, right?” I started; Herk did the vain thing of smirking as he glanced at the muscle on his arms. “Hit me hard enough on the head, to give me amnesia, hopefully, I’ll forget about this thing.”
“Not happening.” He laughed. “Besides, now you know, it will keep coming back to haunt you.”
I whimpered, falling back onto the slanted side in between the long grass that grew there.
“Leave me here then.” I groaned, defeated. He did the opposite.
“Come on lazy. I know you’re a modern-day Goddess but you still have a standard to keep up.” I really want to go back to the world where, “Modern day Goddess,” Is a compliment, not a job title.
I underestimated his strength or maybe I overestimated how much I weighed. He pulled me up and began carrying me down the path. I screamed as he tossed me under his arm to carry me comfortably. Normally, when been dragged backwards, I freaked because I couldn’t see where I am going. In this case, the proximity and the fact I couldn’t see where we were going, is the reason I felt like a lost wimpy kid facing the prospect of going in a haunted house.
“Herk. Please put me down!” I coughed.
“Calm down, Persephone.”
“Don’t call me that!” Why is he calling me that now? Many people at school, especially in my form, knew my middle name. They knew, never to speak of it, never mind say it to my face. “Put me down!” I demanded, trying my best to hit him, only my modesty made me avoid hitting is butt. It isn’t long before we reached the end of the street that led onto a field.
Herk threw me onto the ground. My self-restraint on my anger began to crumble, getting to be fed up of the treatment I had been through the past few hours.
“Who are you?” I screeched. Believing the name, ‘Hercules,’ is a cover to get on his good side. Ok, to me he was another person up till a few days ago. If I did come into this mythology belief thing easily, it would be a common first thought Hercules is probably a good guy… Judging him from the Disney movie anyway.
He came closer, I tried to move back only to run out of space because of a wooden fence. On the bright side, at least it isn’t an electric fence. I gulped; he got closer and knelt on his knees.
“I’m on a job from someone who wants you to stay away from Hades.” Hasn’t everyone seen me trying to run away from him? Consider me warned, I’ll try and stay away from him! You’re going to have to deliver him a similar message though!
Herk, grabbed my chin smirking.
I flinched and attempted to smack him away only to fail. His hand then began to wander up my thigh. My reaction is to tell him where to go and kick him in the leg, which gained me an evil glare.
“She told me to keep an eye on you, but I guess I deserve a bit of fun. Your blood at the moment could cause quite a bit of chaos in the mortal world.” That threat boiled under my skin, he’d come here to bring me a warning and he is throwing the whole world into the plan.
“Don’t touch me.” I sneered, batting away his hand; it seemed useless trying to push his full body away.
“What are you going to do? You probably don’t even know what your power is yet.” He grinned. I snapped at that point. I wasn’t born with a short temper. There is probably a good reason for that.
“I have had enough!” I screamed at the same moment I kicked my legs from under him and shoved him back with some unknown strength. “I am fed up with you people messing with me.” I yelled, standing over him with one foot holding him down.
The thought, “Could I get away with murder?” Crossed my mind, going as far as to imagine snapping his neck. Well he did want to torture me I call this self-defence. Pretty sure Gods and Goddess’ before me have killed for less.
He can easily knock me off. I’m not sure if he is petrified or just unable to move. His chest showed no signs that he is breathing, but there were still signs of life in his eyes, that for me is enough to go on.
“Since this whole bloody thing started it has been one gigantic torture Alexa moment! If I include you, I’ve had two possibly three attempts on my life! I do not care if I am immortal!” I fumed, pressing my foot down on him further. I could have gone on. Out of nowhere, I got hauled backwards.
“Persephone, calm down.”
‘Let me go! I need to kill something!” I shrieked; kicking with every step back Hades took. Thanatos is in front of me helping Herk, who took a big gulp of oxygen.
“What were you doing?” Thanatos commanded.
“She was trying to kill me, the insane-.” He gained a few angry glances for that.
“Insane?” I mimicked through gritted teeth. Hades clamped me further down holding me against him as I struggled more to attack Herk. I elbowed Hades in the stomach, making him inaudibly hiss in pain but he still didn’t give up. “That was self-defence moron! Unless you can come up with some proof, pinning a girl up against a fence saying, “You were going to use her blood to throw the mortal world into, chaos,” Doesn’t seem like a threat in this age!”
“What?” Hades’ restraint is off me but he was in front of me before I could launch myself forward.
“It was a joke.” Herk tried to laugh. Fear crossed Herk’s face as Hades stepped forward.
“You should know we do not take these kinds of threats lightly.” Thanatos said calmly. “You’re old enough to know, threatening anyone with a close connection to the three brothers has its consequences. Threatening to take a new God or Goddesses blood is enough that Zeus will be involved.”
Herk has ticked two boxes there. Messing about with Hades, Poseidon or Zeus? Check off the box Hades and then tick the other thing Thanatos mentioned.
“If you are lucky, he will decide your punishment.” Hades sneered grabbing Herk by the throat. “If I get to decide I won’t hold back. You know I’m the more imaginative one.” He smirked evilly. Even I felt a shiver, when Hades said that. It was enough to send my, “Ms Hyde,” State running to the back of my head.
“Take him.” Hades announced, aggressively shoving Herk back towards Thanatos, who then disappeared.
“I could have handled myself.” I said stubbornly, before Hades could turn to me.
“The way you were handling it; he would have died. From the looks of things, you didn’t even know you were killing him. I don’t think you are ready to handle the emotional responsibilities of killing someone yet.” He said turning to me and then placing a hand on the side of my face. Immediately any negative emotion that remained melted away. It is like as he delicately stroked the skin of my cheek he was erasing the angry part of my mind. What he said slowly made sense. If I had been responsible of killing Herk, once my head had cleared and I realised what I had done I would have been a wreck.
“Who is he?” I finally inquired, wanting to know the truth of who had been in my class for the past decade.
“He’s a follower of the Underworld. God’s occasionally prolong the lives of their worshipers to sort out their work on earth… That man who brought you to me in the enclosed temple is also in that league…” He then paused, thinking for a second, “Let’s go for a walk.” Hades suddenly said. I’m surprised and confused, isn’t this supposed to be the moment where he forcefully tries dragging me off to the Underworld? He smiled taking my hand, walking me back down the road I had been carried down.
“It’s your birthday in one day, right?” He asked. The old gardening couple glanced up. This time, instead of giving a look in disgust due to my behaviour, they seemed more nervous. My theories were they either knew who Hades is or Hades’ gives off an aura and it spreads to the nearest living thing. For my sake, I’m hoping the first. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to cope trying to accept the actual existence of auras and people actually being able to feel them.
“Yes.” I sighed. Following him back into the woods. To others, a man leading a girl into a forest may seem like cause for concern. Weirdly, I didn’t feel suspicious about it with him being here.
“You don’t seem excited.”
“I’ve been told I’m going to live forever. Birthdays hardly seem a big thing now.”
“Enjoy them when you can.” He laughed lightly, “Or else you’ll definitely be in trouble when you get to my age.”
“Yeah, the age thing doesn’t make you seem too attractive.” I giggled; he pulled a face. Distracted in my laughter he pulled me down onto the grass.
“So, I’m not attractive?” He said his form hovering over mine.
“I didn’t say that!” I pouted. Even if I could help it, his arms either side of my head meant I couldn’t exactly look anywhere but his face.
“Oh, so I am attractive?”
“I didn’t say that either!”
“Really, Persephone you could hurt a guy’s feelings.” I gave him an unimpressed look for using the P name. “I’m not calling you anything different. When we are alone anyway.”
“This has turned into a weird walk.” I noted.
“I guess it has.” He said, looking up then moving off me.
“Fine, I guess, you are attractive then.” I shrugged sitting up. Hades turned his head in break neck speed, showing a menacing yet seductive smile. I tried to look scared but the captivating smile, made me eager in anticipation.
I wanted to live in that cloud where Hades put me in my head; at least I would stop worrying. I’m not sure I could cope with living in that cloud all the time, especially when it means my body would have to live in the Underworld.
“Stop in the Underworld with me.” He smiled; he knew he had me under his spell.
I almost agreed to go.
“I don’t think I want to.” I mumbled, almost inaudible to ears as I shook my head. Hades let out a sigh of frustration making me jump slightly.
“Damn it, Persephone.” He growled, I guess he was certain flirting and seduction would work. “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this. Start saying your goodbyes. Because I’m getting you and I don’t care if you have decided or not.” He kissed me, forcefully like to leave a mark before leaving me on the ground shocked and scared.
Somehow, I wandered home not realising where I am until my mum spoke to me as the door clicked shut behind me.
“I have to head out; Zeus needs to see me about… that incident that you were involved in. I’ll be back later. Food is on the side, try and get some sleep. Do not go out.” She yapped, moving around while fussing with her coat and ensuring her appearance is perfect. It showed how much attention she is putting in her appearance considering she is telling me to try and get some sleep.
“Be careful, okay.” She smiled, softly pecking me on the forehead before leaving. I slumped into the kitchen passing whatever my mother had cooked, which she left on the island, and headed to the cupboard with the chocolate spread. Once grabbing the jar, ignoring any cutlery and began dipping my fingers into the chocolate. Well, I’m the only person who really eats it anyway, so my chocolate spread, and my germs, my DNA.
I crawled up to my room with my, ‘dinner,’ not looking forward to tonight’s sleep. I am tired enough to admit I needed to sleep but I am also debating going on a caffeine binge till I’m sure Hades might have calmed down.
The tiredness ended up talking me into a, “Five minute,” Nap thinking it wouldn’t hurt and I would wake up in a short while.
I’ve been felting on and off for a few years now, but found myself doing more in the past few weeks. It’s a good way of dealing with stress, basically it involves getting some special wool and the method I use is to get a felting needle and stab the wool till it matts together.
This was mainly an experiment that turned out well. I don’t know what possessed me to create an actual heart, I didn’t want to create a love heart as in the end it wouldn’t be something that reflected me
Through the door (2018)
I’ve often been told I’m a, “Landscape artist.” Although I prefer to think of myself as a contemporary artist who uses different media. Along with the Heart this was me experimenting with felting, possibly proving others point that I may be a landscape artist as the first thing I create is of course a landscape.
I’ve actually found myself making a lot of these. Along with landscapes something I tend to draw a lot of, since I learned how to draw them when I was 15, is roses. Like most art I never know how it’s going to turn out. I guess with making more of them, it turned out well. Then I tried focusing on how to arrange them. Decorating them in netting and adding sequins to make a bouquet seemed appropriate. I also created single roses (The bouquet ended up being an Easter present). The single roses are meant also to be presents. Surprisingly, I refuse at the moment to make black roses, although I suspect I will make some later as the only colour wool I will have left is black. For the moment though I’m focusing on the lighter colours, due to it being spring.
Through the Window (2018).
Combining the landscape and roses theme. First attempt at creating roses.
Wednesday the 10th of January my depression cycle hit it was decided on the 17th it would be beneficial if I was put in a Mental Health Crisis House, hospital was full, there I was told to keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings. I have decided to share what I wrote just to show everyone and myself that there is some kind of hope for those who experience mental health problems, things will gradually get better the cycle won’t last forever. My depression was that bad I actually became delusional (believing things that aren’t true) but as this shows with help my thoughts and feelings slowly changed for the five nights I was in the house. I’m now out of the crisis house and looking at putting my life back on track with a few projects in the pipeline. There might be a few times where I repeat myself but that was part of my thought process though the illness.
There’s probably a million words I could write but I don’t know how to write them.
Thoughts in my head echo like bad memories, each providing their own form of torture because they won’t shut up. The voices as well don’t seem to shut up. The voices as well don’t seem to want to stay quiet, one is screaming, one is telling me words of abuse such as, “You’re not worth it.” And, “It’s just going to get worse next time.” Then there’s Nemo, the voice who’s been there the longest. It feels like she has taken control of everything. I’ve retreated back. It doesn’t feel as if my movements, my words are my own. Maybe things are getting better as it’s coming clear that I’ve got some control. I still believe I don’t have all of it.
When people ask what’s keeping me alive, I say, “I don’t know.” Truthfully I don’t know. There is some external force that keeps working to keep me alive. I can’t die. I’m stuck on this planet. Stuck in this reality waiting to wake up to the world I was in before where I could just get on with life and everyone was happy.
I’m fed up of my mood being like this. I know I need to learn to live with this. At the moment I don’t think I’m living the voice I hear have more of a life than me, at least they are free to do what they want. They can say what they want, do what they want, whereas, I’m stuck here inflicting pain and suffering on others because they dared to care.
One psychiatrist asked me, “Why do I want to be ill?” Like I have a choice
Maybe I do.
If that world, that other universe, I belong in exists.
I don’t want to be like this! I don’t enjoy my mood going up and down being totally different people! I don’t have dissociative identity disorder but at times I think it feels like it. There’s like huge cracks between my moods where my sanity and stability fall into when my mood changes. It’s ok people telling me to distract myself, or you’ve been through this before you know the cycle will end. But they aren’t the ones who have to pull themselves up from the bottomless pit. I can’t plan far in advance, the negative voice always reminds me that the next one is always around the corner.
“What do I want to do in life?” I WANT TO LIVE. But my stability won’t let me. I could say, I can say, I want to be an artist, a writer or whatever but I can’t manage it when even my creativity is controlled by my mood.
Before this cycle I thought, I had come such a long way but now I feel like I’ve taken 101 steps back. I’m not worried about the review coming up. I’m worried about if the psychiatrist doesn’t see it from my point of view. For the sake of everyone I need the medication. I have this belief, that maybe, they just want to kill me. My mood going this low, I can really believe it. With the high I didn’t sleep although I did a lot of work but this crash is borderline deadly.
I feel like each time I go through this although it’s been getting worse, my cry for help gets weaker. I feel like curling up in a ball screaming while it feels like someone is twisting my insides and brain for me to scream louder. There was a point in this depression cycle where I couldn’t talk, people had to lip read. I had no idea where my voice had gone but in a way it made things better, I couldn’t scream like I wanted. However, it made the distress worse. I could only sit there and rock.
My mum said before I came to this crisis home that she thought she failed as a mother..I hate myself for that. It’s like my brain chemistry, is trying to destroy everything, I had this belief when I was an adolescent that I was some kind of scientific experiment. Every time I was hurt I believed that it was people collecting data and that me now is the end result. I am the result of some experiment maybe they knew that through everything they had put me through was going to result in about 2 official mental illnesses and god knows what else. If that’s the case the experiment succeeded, if it had failed maybe I’d have been killed off they might have found some way I can die.
I don’t believe I truly belong in this world. I’m waiting to be collected even rescued by someone or something from a different world. That’s why it’s hard for me to believe in this one. It’s like screaming at the world, “The humans have done their damage please HELP!”
The humans might know I don’t belong here that’s why they did all this. All of the name calling, leaving me behind and making me feel alone. I had to take the world on by myself because it felt like no one noticed me until there came a time where they needed someone to pick on.
Can I trust anyone? Not fully. I can’t trust their thoughts. I can’t risk their judgements. I can’t trust because emotions like love seem foreign to me. I get stressed when ever someone shows that kind of interest. Maybe the experiment failed in some way if they were trying to make a psychopath.
I don’t trust people but there are people I depend on probably too much. I’ve gone from someone who depend on no one to someone who clings onto people when they get to a certain stage of a relationship it might be the emotionally unstable personality disorder that made me like this.
My mood started to go up when I was about 15. It was like mentally I had to escape from all the negativity in my world the voices came around then as well. Happily I lost control, but as I experienced the depression I didn’t care about it. Death became my best friend I used to imagine the dark figure following me. Maybe that’s what keeps saving me. He doesn’t want me to die. Maybe he’s waiting for me to do something worth while with my life. Shoot me down while I’m at my highest. My current mood tells me I’m no good for anyone or anything which is a 180 turn from what it was like last month where I was the best thing on this planet.
Things have started to become clearer. The reality I saw in the past week looks more false than yesterday. There are still things I am questioning thing that I will always question. Do I actually belong here on this Earth? Am I human? Am I just that experiment I believe I am?
I’m starting to feel less dissociated. I’m getting control back bit by bit. The voices are fading but still reminding me they’ll be back sooner or later. I’m trying to remind myself that I can make it through it like I have this time but doubt I’d always there. If I loose control go into some state of delirium again who’s to say that side of me won’t try and end everything for me? This thought of immortality, I’m wondering where it came from? I don’t class myself as, “Immortal.” Everything has to die at some point even vampires can be killed in sunlight etc. I had an obsession with vampires but the thought I can’t die was here way before that. I’d beg for death to take me when I was about 8 I think that’s where it comes from, that’s when we made friends.
I still look in the mirror and don’t recognise me. My sanity is slowly coming back. I think my body is still showing scars of what I’ve been though over the past week. There still seems to be a block in my head stopping be from thinking. I want to be able to get out of here be that happy creative person, but that cement block holds me back. Well that’s until the sledgehammer hits it too hard and then the high side begins to bleed though.
I sometimes I feel like I am fighting for nothing the voices say it would be easier if I was dead. I’m now on that border of emotion which is reminding me I’ll be missed, I hope there will be someone out there who will miss me. I go through this thought process that everyone leaves in the end. They go on and get lives if feels like I’m stuck to be this person who is ill. That’s my job title the mentally and physically ill girl. Growing up I was the girl with the weird birthmark now I’m just the girl who has a ridiculous amount of chronic illnesses.
I think I’ve always been different even before the emotionally unstable personality disorder and the bipolar showed their faces. No one understood me even when they bullied me for things such as my voice. I had to shut up and be shy to keep away from people. Maybe the problem is I don’t understand them. Why do they hurt each other? Why can’t they accept the fact we are different?
I went out today. The fire of anxiety messing up my head and insides only showed itself a few times, which is different to the arsonist I appeared to be over the past week. I think I still have some healing to do. Depression is still lingering like the monster it is. It is slowly dawning in me I might have won this battle. Unfortunately I realise it’s a life long war. In the end, even if it does win, I wouldn’t have wanted it too on a good day.
As things become clearer, those million words which have been hard to say or write. I realise without even thinking I have said some of them. I may be on to some road of recovery but I know far from stable. I still feel tired that one small thing could send me spiralling again.
I don’t want to go back into that dark place but I have no choice. It’s a war I didn’t choose to fight but was forced into.
I’m at home for a few hours, before I go back into the crisis house and anxiety is slowly eating at me expecting something bad to happen. Making me realise I’m probably not ready to go home yet.
Tomorrow I will leave here. Today’s aim is to make sure I’m ready for it. Looking back at the past 2 weeks it’s amazing how much this illness can take over to a point I don’t even recognise who I was. As well as the no make up or hair piece, my personality and who I was, was someone completely different. I hope that side never returns or at least never getting that bad but it feels like I don’t have a choice in that matter. Brain chemistry will do its work.
I still feel that depression monster at the back of my head, it’s slowly creeping back into his box. I’m not sure if the happy feeling is just that, I’m happy I’ve made it through this or it’s another manic phase trying to make her way through. I had a manic phase before this depression. Part of me wants to believe it won’t be her but only time will tell.
I’m choosing to stand my ground about everything. At the moment I need to recover from this, I want to recover from this. Yes it’s a life long illness but I can’t be a victim to this.
Last day here. It’s sort of weird, when I first came in here it was like, I couldn’t find any hope. Now I am counting the minutes to leave. Watching out the window at the birds digging through the leaves. It’s a change from the me before who would just sit there in a chair only being able to focus what’s happening in or around my head. I look back amazed that I could write everything down on my first day here. I guess I have more troubles then originally thought.
I’ve also realised some of the things weren’t true. Ok, some of them I still have my suspicions but I don’t think the world needs to know. They are not eating at me saying them I’m such a way that it sends my mood further down.
From Chaos (2017) Mixed Media on canvas.
The idea behind this piece came from the story of Pandora’s Box. The Ancient Greeks believed the universe started from chaos somewhere down the line humans were created and the story of Zeus giving Pandora a box happened. Misery etc entered the world but so did the hope of all these good things.
Hell of a lot of sewing was invovled in this piece as the outside and some of the inside needed to be sewn together, glue wouldn’t look right.
Sheet Music on one of the panels inside the box is, “Take Flight,” From Lindsey Stirling
I lay on the comforting rouge carpet on my side, still feeling tired. Exhaling, I tossed over onto my back. The ceiling seemed too high for this room; I almost expected something to sweep down from the black surface. I closed my eyes to block it out, unable to ignore the creepy feeling. It is like Hades has designed this room to give an uncomfortable impression whenever I’m left alone in here.
I suspected he’s near, although I’m early from our normal meeting time. I still didn’t move, if he could see me, he might think I’m asleep and leave.
Instead of going, Hades moved closer.
The jolt of being lifted made me open my eyes to find I’m being cradled. Hades shifted the top of my dress down slightly to look fully at the new mark. He seemed to show some interest to it.
Looking at the mark, the circle was now a silver colour and inside it is a black tree covered in bronze and red leaves. My mind wondered to other things that didn’t involve decoding semiotics. It felt awkward enough with a guy knowingly staring at my chest and a tattoo I couldn’t really explain.
“What does yours look like?” I thought out loud. I peeked up at him and his soft smile. He moved his arms, and continued to remove his t-shirt.
And Night Fell (2017)
Oil painting and paper cutting on canvas.
I was inspired on the long train journey home from Whitby- usually it takes just over an hour to get back but this time we got on the train that took over 2 hours.
I loved the colours of the sky, as the sun had just started to set earlier, like they where burning on the contrasting black horizon. Hints of black and blue running though the sky are like the veins of the sky and the earth. The black paper cuttings were covering the silver and blue patterns symbolising the day has ended although the sun for the moment is still there. Also this links to my obsession with Greek Mythology as I wanted to show the day ending, going to sleep and night, Nyx, is covering the sky, but like everything they are alive.
Nyx was an ancient deity usually envisaged as the very substance of the night–a veil of dark mists drawn across the sky to obscure the light of Aither, the shining blue of the heavens. Her opposite number was Hemera (Day) who scattered the mists of night at dawn.